Broken Hands

how to describe the feeling of not trusting my own hands. Lately I've been in a real creative phase, I cut out nine little girl outfits ( four are for a friend) and have been sewing up a storm. In addition to that trying to finish up multiple (and I don't use that word lightly ) knitting projects including a sweater I designed for the knitting blog. And add to that the slew of cooking I've been up to, this new obsession with using every last leftover inthe fridge in some new and glorious meal so as not to waste anything. Multiply those by the number of times I need to pick up a kid, write down something so as to not forget it, pick up an animal, fiddle with something small for Abigail braid hair etc. and my hands and arms are sore. So sore in fact that I am worried that I am getting some kind of arthritis, my hands feel heavy, and the joints feel full. I am hoping that this is just some sort of extra fluid from using them so much, and my arms are achey, all the way down to the elbows. I am to the point of dropping things at the moment. And then there is the permanent kink in my neck from nursing Norah all night and sleeping in the same position, and nursing on the couch and holding Norah, and sewing with my arms elevated and cutting out fabric while leaning over. It feels kind of like a spring needing release. Not to mention all the extra stress around here lately. ANd now I am typing on this blog, hurting my hands, not bending my thumb all the way instead of riding the exercise bike and having a shower while Norah sleeps. I love to procrastinate myself into pain.

Ahh oh well, there are at least four little outfits to show for my trouble and the pattern for the sweater is really cool. And I think the picture is quite telling of what i will do at any given moment... knit.. who needs cuddling? with soft soft kitties and cute toddlers... knit! Knit! Knit!

Distractions

In an effort to distract myself from today; making phone calls that I don't want to make, missing walking group, Norah having her shots and being cranky, Abby pushing Seth in the shower and him falling on the spigot and breaking it off, much blood and bandages later ; an impending plumbing bill. Having to rent our other house because the darn thing just can't sell due to other really really nicely renovated houses in the same price range, having a million errands to run and staying home with sleeping kids. I will post a few of my favorite pictures from this month so far and put the word malingering far far farrrrr away from my thoughts and bury myself into the love of my two little girls!

And now I am off to do some sewing and await the phone call I will not receive before two so then I call a supervisor.. ahhh yes the supervisor call .

Keep Singing!

So Abigail has started quoting movies , as well as music from cd's. She knows at least the first thirty lines of Vivaldi's Ring of Mystery ( and listens to it every single night before bed.) She has more that half of the songs on many of her cd's memorized and has now begun singing like Ariel the little mermaid. This all began a few mornings ago when she was in her room wailing , well it sounded like wailing and she was talking about bees in her tent. She had been sleeping in her tent for the past few nights and thought it was great fun, but hearing of bees Seth and I immediately thought of the wasps that sometimes make their way into her room in the spring. But when I sent Seth rushing in there ( as I was previously engaged with Norah.. ahem.) she informed him that she was just fine and the bees in her tent had been angry but she made them happy by singing like Ariel so they went away. lol super funny , and kind of strange, but mostly funny. SO tonight in the bath she was singing like Ariel again and making her mermaid hair swirl in the water when she asked me to sing like Ariel. So here goes... Ahh Ahhhh Ahhhhhh, and so she pipes up "KEEP SINGING" just like Ursula and then moves her hand to my mouth and tries to take my voice away. Soooo what does a mommy do? well I stopped singing , she had stolen my voice of course! This obviously led to a whole evening of repetition which was also super fun and of course just one more time before bed. But if you had told me 20 years ago when I was watching Ariel for the first time and totally deciding to marry an Eric and be red haired and gorgeous that I would be still enjoying it with my daughter this many years later I never would have believe you. Pretty amazing that we are a generation that can actually do that kind of thing.

It also reminds me of just how important this phase of her life is, and how blessed I am to be able to share it with her and really be a kid again. :) lol

Duck and Cover

What to do when the sky is falling? hole up with movies and ice cream.

We got some surprising news today, incredibly the woman who booked Seth's re-evaluation on three days notice five hours away from home, and expected a vet with severe PTSD to travel all by himself on a plane to a new place without anything familiar , ALSO didn't get his medical records in time for the doctor's to evaulate them. AH ha you say? how bizarre? well there's more, then said doctor's made ridiculous uninformed decisions about material they have no concept of understanding in one hours time and now are trying to remove all benefits and imprision by husband. For pretending. Who could possibly pretend they have a TBI. You know , pretending that he mistakes words like mushroom and marshmallow EVERY TIME HE SAYS THEM, or losing words, stopping in the middle of a sentence to find them. How about losing all ability to complete simple projects? Hanging a picture? well you can look forward to two hours of banging, swearing, readjusting, six holes, two broken fingers and tears by the end. Ask me how he was at hanging pictures before his goddamn romp in the Iraqi sandbox? just fine thanks. Now let's see, what about something more difficult? how about making a pie and asking him to substitute apples for blueberries? "okay honey just put this can in instead of that can" blank look blank look blank look.... does.. not.. compute.... is that normal? no thought not. What about reading? you know taking words in by looking at them hopefully in some semblance of order to communicate ideas and stories? once an avid reader , at least a book a week he now can barely read a paragraph without a). forgetting the plot line b). having the words move on the page and getting a headache and c) just plain not understanding them. . How can I live with this every day and see all these things and this crazy doctor who has YEARS of teaching and experience thinks he is faking. TO THE POINT that he accuses Seth of faking to all the other doctors he has seen and also accuses those doctors of being wrong and not knowing what they are doing! Absolutely preposterous, and to add that Seth never came to them and said " hey I have a brain in jury" in the first place, THEY were the ones who noticed the problems, THEY were the ones who assigned catscans, and neurology appointments, Speech Therapists, and neuralphysicists.

THEY can kiss my ass because Mama Bear is angry and this is a fight I will win.

WHat to do when the sky is falling? Anti-Aircraft missile would do the job nicely.

Leaf in the Wind

So, today at the mothers group there was a speaker from the local produce place called Fresh Abundance , which basically is a non profit group out to feed the world healthy veggies. Of course their project is bigger than that but really doesn't it all boil down to saving the world at some point? SO it has me thinking about my issues with food, the fact that I do 99.9% of the cooking for my household, that I love to try new things, new flavours; strong flavours, that I love to go grocery shopping and that in my little microcosm the cooking of supper is perhaps the only means of control I get to exercise.

Seth is alternately extremely scheduled and totally spontaneous, for example; outings, shopping trips, swimming, visiting etc needs to be PLANNED, there has to be a few days notice if not weeks. We usually map out most of a week at the beginning and then live from the Calender. I can ususally spring a trip somewhere tested and true, ( like Safeway, or out to Applebees) but anyplace new is out of the question on short notice. NOW the other part is the spontaneous, he is susceptible to anxiety attacks, flashbacks, migraines, and exreme physical pain which can basically, at a moments notice, kill all best laid plans.

And then there is Abby and Norah, they both need stability, naps, a basic schedule, so once again the most planned and anticipated outing in the world is at the mercy of a two and a half year old and her sidekick the 3 month old. Also let's not forget the need for a toddler to have all things the same all the time, same blankets, same sequences, same outings, same methods, etc, I live in the world of everything being dictated by someone else and really what mother doesn't but my point is that I want to decide something.

And so in other words deciding what to eat, when to eat, and what it will taste like is one of the few things that I can control. It makes me feel stable in my life, which can be so very very unstable. I enjoy it, I love grocery shopping, trying new foods, ethnic foods, (Vietnamese is my soul food,) and so the thought of having someone drop fresh unknown food completely out of my control on my doorstep once a weeks kind of scares me.

And yet... it is such a good idea, such delicious, tasty, fresh, organic, healthy veggies and I can always pick up something I really have to have. I guess it is really time to grow up, to think about what I am eating, to learn about growing it myself and give a little (more) control away, who needs it really,

Leaf in the wind....Leaf in the wind...Leaf in the wind...Leaf in the wind...Leaf in the wind...